if love was enough

“If love was enough, I’d still be here for you,” quoted from a girl patient in Grey’s Anatomy Season 2.

The other night, I was able to watch “One More Chance” in Cinema One, and after almost two years of having being able to go through the break-up thing, this is probably the first time and the only time that I’ll be ever to talk about it and also talk about the heartaches I had gone through when I was younger.

As far as I could remember, the first ever moment that I cried over for a guy was when I was still in the 6th grade. I was too young and innocent then, and I really didn’t care. Anyway, I had this huge crush on a guy. I have been crushing him since I was still in grade 5 and it carried off until grade 6. Then there was this bomb threat incident while I was in the 6th grade and after the said threat, I heard that his father would be transferring their entire family into a new school and new place and I did really cry really really hard just because of that issue. Okay, I was really stupid, but I can’t help it, I thought that I was just really in love with him. I even created a poem about him and the school newspaper even published it for the entire school to read! Silly me!

Next, second year high school (a little bit more mature me this time). I had this classmate in first year high school and mind to tell you, while we were still in our first year, we were terribly great enemies! We’d swear that we hated each other to death. But then a year later, it came out that we were one of the subsets of the saying “the more you hate, the more you love.” Honestly speaking, he was the first guy in my life who made me feel like a princess. I felt that I was the most beautiful person in the world (he was really poetic, if you don’t mind me telling – I felt that I was serenaded and courted by Romeo), I felt that I was really cared for, I felt that I was really loved – for the first time, I felt really loved by a guy whom I really like. But it came out that he was a ‘torpe’ guy, so we ended up to be in the ‘MU’ state for months!

Then there it went by, from August to December, we thought and we felt that we were really happy. January came, I became too busy with Shield that I have no more time to be with him. We can’t talk anymore over the phone for he was having his asthma attacks thus he’s not allowed to talk much, it might trigger his sickness. But even though I was really busy, I haven’t forgotten about him and my love and affection for him.

March came, I sensed that there was something going on between him and her best girl friend, but I really didn’t care coz I believed that he still likes me. Then one night, as I was walking home from my Shield work, I was able to spot the two of them in the middle of the soccer field, cozying each other up and DAMN, it really pissed me off. Again, I cried my whole soul out. I felt that my heart was really burning hard that anytime, it could just fall off out of my body. As I reached home, I just cried and cried in my room. Good thing that the next day was an Ash Wednesday, so I was able to extend my crying moments in my room and then the rest of my Wednesday afternoon was spent playing Starcraft on the PC. After that incident, I never talked about us again. People tried to talk me out about it, but I was damn too stiff to give in. Also, after that event, I became a man-hater, I haven’t fell in love nor fell affection with other guys around.

College. I don’t want to talk about the guy much (I know most of you knows about this) so I’ll just go to the heartache point. Anyway, after about two or three years after being broken, I again rose up and had fallen for the trap of love. This time, the pain that I felt from way back in 2nd year high school was much more strong and worse. It was as if that I didn’t want to wake up and see the light of sun again (char, emo!). Good thing Ian de Castro was really great enough to support me and give his sympathies to whatever I am feeling. He was really very patient to look after me even though I am not acting really human anymore. Also, with his help, I began to smile again in just a few weeks after the break-up.

This heartache event did really bring a lot of drastic changes in my life. It all begun when I felt that all my block mates hated me for whatever reason they had (that I guess I know but I won’t really care to elaborate it here). I haven’t been able to be with them for weeks (or I guess months) because of this. But still, there were those who were good enough to approach me (but only when no other block mate was watching nearby) thus even in just a few moments, I did feel that I had friends. Then, when I thought that I couldn’t handle this situation anymore, I woke up one day, went to my adviser and said, “Mam, mag-shishift po ako to BS Bio, mag-peprereg pa rin ba ako for next sem?” I also noticed that I shook the entire faculty room of DMPCS with my sudden decision, all heads were suddenly turned into my direction. A few weeks later, I bet Doc Navs already heard the news, and when he saw me after hearing it, he couldn’t help but scream right into my face about the decision that I thought about and what was more sad, I couldn’t answer his question because honestly, I do not have any VALID reason to explain.

Again, it took me months to recover from this heartache and I really did not want to go back. I just want to be a man-hater forever. But there’s one thing that I realized and that is, these experiences had shaped me into a better person, a better human being. After all these, I became more mature, I know how to be responsible with my own actions, I learned on how to assess situations properly, and to know when a thing is right or wrong. I also learned when to give out my trust to a person. Generally, I learned a lot of things about life that you won’t be able to learn in the four walls of the classroom. But amidst all, there’s only one thing that I haven’t learned right: giving out my heart to the right prince.

But if life wanted me to build my character, and through broken hearts and broken promises would be the best way to do so, then I’d be glad to take the challenge. I have lived through three heartaches already and I know, if I did it three times before, I could do it again, and come up as a better person after everything. I just hope that when the time comes that my heart has finally found its proper place, my love for my partner would hold nothing back due to the miseries experienced way before, and that my love would still be pure and true, to him and only to him.